I loved you ardently. I travelled hundreds of miles to see you after I left that city. I remember being curled up with you on that horrible mattress at your mother’s house, before I left and you begged me to stay. I told you that if I stayed I would end up dead somewhere. My life was not with you in the city, i never belonged there. But I met you 2 months before I left, and I tried so hard to reject your advances. We were both selfish to carry it on after I had packed up that room in that supported housing. The distance only made me love you more. I loved the way you were so sweet and kind, well rounded and sturdy. So unlike me in so many ways. I was always certain that I was cold and unlovable, my mother had made sure I believed that fact.
I made sure that when I came down to visit you I carried arm fulls of gifts. I gave myself to you in every way. I loved you so deeply, those two weeks were some the most beautiful moments of my life. You were my first. You made me realise that I was capable of giving love, capable of being loved. And for that I am eternally grateful. I don’t understand what happened to you. What happened to that kindness and compassion. Because somewhere along the way you turned your back on me and my love for you. And I left that place empty handed and sore. I felt betrayed. Felt led astray.
I wanted so badly for you to be what I had thought you up to be. What you had told me you were. And I still question your intentions. But I never question how I felt for you. For you were so sweet to me for a time.
I hope you can find yourself, be kind to yourself and when you do, let me know. Everything you want is within you. I don’t love people who aren’t worth it.

I love you, forever and always.
R